JOKES ABOUT SEX

Cybersex Prank

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 5'9" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on apair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping and sweating.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's okay, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft tits are rising and falling, as I breathe harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. Mynipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry, really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your..phlegm..off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: Okay. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm...wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you okay?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. You should shave your vagina..It prevents 15% of all accidents during sexual intercourse!

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Hehe.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionatly-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart : Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: Okay, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've pissed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Okay, now I'm going to put my..you know..thing..in your..you know..woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth rectum. It feels so nice, except for those pimple things on it. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, nevermind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you asshole!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh no! What ever will we do?!

Sweetheart: --logged off--

A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock. A friend visits. "Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.
"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly. "It's been four weeks--he doesn't call, he doesn't write...

And, there's the one about the woman who goes to her gynecologist who, in the course of the exam, asks, "Are you sexually active?" The woman thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I don't just lie there if that's what you mean!"

Remember when sex was safe and mountain climbing dangerous ?

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in here before." The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job." The owner asks, "What do you do?" The guy says, "I write music and play the piano." The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested." The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?" The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out." Theowner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?" The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played. The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore." The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees. That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out. One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?" The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT ?, I WROTE IT!"

The other day there was a strange accident on the local interstate, where the only survivor was a monkey. A man and a woman were found in the back seat dead. The state trooper at the scene, commented to his partner, while looking at the monkey "If that monkey could talk, we would know what happened here". The monkey suddenly started shaking his head up and down, as if to say "I CAN I CAN".
The state trooper walked over to the monkey and said "Do you understand me". The monkey started shaking his head up and down vigorously. The state trooper could not believe his eyes, but asked the monkey "What happened here ?". The monkey pantomimed holding a bottle up to his lips. The state trooper asked "Where they drinking". Up and down the monkey's head went repeatedly. "What else can you tell me?" said the trooper. The monkey held his index finger and middle finger to his lips. "Where they smoking dope?" Yes yes yes motioned the monkey. "What else" said the trooper. The monkey took his index finger and plunged it back and forth through a circle formed by his other hand. "They were screwing" said the trooper. The trooper looked back at his partner and said "What I don't understand is who was driving?". The monkey took hold of the steering wheel, turned his head looking back over his right shoulder with a big grin on his face.

The old biker had taken to being courteous in his later years, especially to women. One day when airing his views, he remarked that he'd never seen an ugly female. A woman standing near him with a very flat nose, waffled cheeks and no lips overheard this and said, "I beg your pardon, sir, but can you look at me and honestly say that I'm not ugly?" The noble tramp gazed at her and replied, "My dear lady, like the rest of your sex, you are an angel fallen from the skies. It's not your fault that you happened to fall on your fuckin' face."

So this mouse is walking around in the middle of nowhere when he hears a faint cry: "help me, help me." He looks around and finally he locates the source of the noise. There's an elephant down at the bottom of very deep hole, and the elephant can't get out. "Won't you please help me," pleads the elephant. "No problem," replies the mouse, "I'll be right back." A few minutes later, he shows up with a Cosworth, attaches a rope to it, lowers the other end of the rope down to the elephant, and tows the elephant out of the hole. "Thanks," says the elephant, "I owe you one." Several weeks later, the elephant is walking around when he hears a cry for help. This time it is the mouse who has fallen into a hole and can't get out. Since the mouse had saved him, the elephant decides to save the mouse. So the elephant straddles the hole, drops his dick down to the bottom, and lets
the mouse climb up his dick and safely out of the hole. Which just goes to show what we all knew already: If you've got a big enough dick, you don't need a Cosworth.

Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."

This lion is having a drink at his local waterhole. A chimp sneaks up behind him and slips him a Liberace and runs for his life.
The lion lets out a tremendous roar and chases the monkey. The monkey runs into a nearby safari camp and puts on a safari suit
and hat, picks up a newspaper and starts to read it. Before long the lion comes running in to the camp, looking for the chimp. The lion sees the chimp behind the paper but doesn't recognise him and asks him if he has seen a chimp running this way. Thechimp says "Do you mean the one that fucked the lion up the arse?"."Shit," says the lion " is it in the fucking paper already?"

Enough for now, mail me if you have anything better......